2004-05-13 - 1:50 a.m.
i do fully realize that oen of the things i seem to say a lot is that nothing really makes me happy. and it is true. or at least the things that make most people happy about their lives are not what od it for me. i think i am coming to the conclusion that massive amounts of sex will not make me happy. not that i have had the opportunity to test this hypothesis, i just get the impression that it won't. i am not sure of anything. would i want tons of anonymous partners anyway? if i was to be involved with a woman i realize that following: it seems i am old fashioned, i don't seem to crave the whole man-whore lifestyle. if i was to have a girlfriend(and i am getting to hate that word too) i have a ton of qualifications. including that she be very attractive, very smart and ambitious. actually those are the only three i have figured out, the rest are on a case to case basis. yes i know my standards are ridiculously high. and the argument could be made that i have high standards to protect myself from getting involved which could lead to getting hurt. i do not necessarily agree however. why should i waste my time with anyone who is not what i want? to revert to my Basic Question theory, there is no good reason to do so. most people end up doing that to combat loneliness, and loneliness is nothing to be afraid of. i saw something in the newspaper the other day about how people spend so much time on their cell phones because they cannot stand being alone, how pathetic is that? i'm tired and running out of steam. the truth is that i am not unhappy at all right now. the thought of dealing with women though is so overbearing that i really prefer not to. thanks bartleby. back to things that make me happy. only the big things do it. there are few(if any) little things that genuinely satisfy me. i can't think of any. getting good grades and trying to make a good future for myself are the best things i have right now. (do i haveto mention shows and lifting weights? i didnt't think so). so many people look to people to make themselves happy. the good and the bad on earth are really all the same and the only hope we have is to weather the both as best we can. living well is the only satisfaction, as well as the best revenge.
" When all is lost, personal holocaust." Foreclosure Of A Dream- Megadeth
