2004-06-11 - 11:48 p.m.
i am in that strange mood i get in sometimes where it feels like the immediate time is not really passing. i see the numbers go by on the little clock in the lower right hand side of the screen, but it doesn't mean anything to me right now. as for news, jimmy sarah and i are moving into sarah's old place with megan to boot. i am thrilled. the place comes with a bunch of free extras. and it's not far away. i have a show tomorrow with the gravetones. at nevin's in evanston. i am pretty sure not many people will show up. it is raining very hard right now. i got my license back after a 275 doillar fine and supervision for 6 months. pretty much what i expected. what a pain in the ass. soemthin is feeling a bit off. i don't know what it is. no word from eloise but its really not getting to me. danielle made the observation that i seem to have a thing for jewish girls. and i'll come clean, i do. i have no idea what it is, but it is a trend that has been developing for years. but i have to point out that it's not like i search out members of the tribe, it just seems to happen that way. then again, its not like i have any luck with any women at all. it's almost midnight, i should have left. i have to read some shit for class, we have the midterm already on tuesday. the weather is nice to look at, not drive in. i find myself wishing i had something to be particularly happy or even sad about. i sat in traffic for two fucking hours this afternoon. i was very on edge i caught myself wanting to speed into the back of the car in front of me. i realize how stupid people look when they are mad. anything i do seems to lack the authenticity of pure effort. i never trust anything i do. i never think i am giving all of myself. how can i tell? i think i try hard but i second guess myself. i don't know how to live life, i am bad at life. i don't know how to do anything that normal people do. at leasti get to play tomorrow. truth be told i think i'd like to meet a good woman. i may have said this before but it seems like a lot of things in life would improve if i had one of those. i'm not saying at all that there is anything wrong at with not having one. i am quite fine being alone. ususally i would get on that whole anyone who needs someone else is weak thing, and i do still believe that. that's why i have decided a few things about what i want a serious woman to have in her character. these qualities are important to me. i am highly selective, fuck you, i am allowed. 1) she needs to be very attractive, sorry i am very superficial. 2) she needs to be smart, preferably as smart as me(i'm not saying i am a genius, just barely higher than average) and even better if she is smarter than me. 3) AMBITION. ambition is a goddam sexy thing for a woman to have. i have high standards, and truthfully i don't care if i never meet a woman that fulfills them. but i won't waste my time in a relationship that is a compromise. no one should. that is weakness. need is weakness. yeah, i remember three years ago. nights like this when i would drive home crying and wake up with my brain in a dense fog. as much as i thought i was living then, it all turned out not to matter for anything. she's gone, and that's not a good or bad thing, just fait acompli. but i remain, changed by the time that seems to mostly pass around me less than through me. its hard to care about the empty time that passes. the time i care about is when i achieve the goals i am working for now. as you know, dear reader, i want success. i am a whore for it and i take pride in it. i am not afraid of hard work, i like it. but then again, here i am spending my night with a computer. i cannot tell if the rain or thunder has abated. i don't think it has. what good is remembering? it is another strange duality. one must forge onward anew whilst retaining the lessons and experience gained from the past. the problem with that though is how can anyone truly be a new person after being touched by so many instances in the past. i do not think anyone really ever becomes a completely new person. there are attributes that never leave. for better or worse. profound changes can be made, and in some cases should be made. how does one assimilate completely to a new mode of existance? it is a gradual process i think. spontaneous change is more fleeting. real change, legitimate new beginnings are methodical, in my opinion. it is getting late. i am getting tired. i am trying to connect the idea that change, methodical and legitimate, is growth. i am going to play my ass off tomorrow. go see the show motherfuckers. i think i have been able to write my brain out of an oncoming funk. did you enjoy yourself dear reader?
"I am the way of the future." After The Flesh- My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
