2004-06-21 - 2:34 a.m.
my computer has probably had it. i haven't been able to get it to do anything. i can't even save the shit on it that i want to keep. i might just have to scrap the whole fucking thing. anyhow, i think i went on two, maybe 1 and 1/2 dates last week. her name is lyndsay, and for any other information check out the earlier entry in here called "if you're not single don't give out your digits," because its the same girl. it seems she is single now. on monday i randomly ask her if she wants to join my brother and i for dollar burger night at o'donovan's. i was surprised when she said yes. then more surprised when i told her my brother wasn't going and she still wanted to go. we went, watched the end of the cubs game and i didn't gorge myself and we had some good conversation. i had a good time. i asked her to go out again on thursday night. she actually did go out with me, but made it clear that she didn't want anything serious. now i dig that, but it put a damper on my mood. and when i got home later that night i had that look of death in my eyes. we went out to a bar called tantrum, i liked it a lot. more talking was done, and then we decided for some reason to go to coyote ugly. it was not crowded at all. and this group of guys next to us bought her some drinks. i found it a bit emasculating at first, but they did offer to buy me drinks too, and even took me aside to tell me they weren't hitting on her. maybe they should have been, i was doing too poorly a job of it. either way it didn't bother me. i had been up since 8 in the morning and after coyote ugly closed i wanted to go home, and like an idiot i did. she wanted to stay out and go somewhere else. danielle told me it was because she wanted to spend more time with me, i think she just preffered being out to being alseep. she also has discovered i am an easy terget for the poking of fun. she is quite witty. we sat in my car for about 10 minutes in front of her building, talking about nothing in parrticular. i couldn't tell if it was the type of situation in which i should have tried something. as it happened i didn't; she leaned in and gave me a hug. i couldn't tell if it lingered or not, given that i can't remember, i am inclined to believe that it did not. so, what do i think? here is a woman who really does meet all my previously stated traits, and i find it impossible to think she is interested. really i have no idea. she says she wants to go out again, but i am (well, afraid isn't the right word here) thinking that she will become another friend, not like that is a bad thing, but that is always how it happens. i am lacking in something that makes women find me shall we say, romantically appealing. i want this to be different, but it won't kill me if it isn't. i went to the rocky picnic yesterday. i am very glad i went. i want to be a part of it all again. i missed the people there. i spent most of my time at the picnic talking to danielle and later, jason. the two people who have transcended being friends from rocky into whole worlds more than that. danielle tried telling me how to go about taking small steps in establishing physical contact with this girl. the thought and practice just makes me feel very akward. why am i punished for just being too damn nice? why do i have this crippling self-conscousness, and superlative akwardness? was i alaways so shy? she also doesn't seem to be the type of girl who finds shyness cute. and as my expereince has taught me, no woman actually does. and i have to take a few words here to acknowledge danielle's preternatural ability to understand me, it surprises me everytime that she knows what i do before i do it. i'm sure she reads this thing, but i would extoll her virtues even if she didn't. she is of the utmost importance. anyhow, lyndsay text messaged me the next day and a brief text message session ensued. she said we'd go out again, but of course the question that remains unanswered is at what capacity? i have no idea what to do, much less what i will do. saturday i ended up at jessie's apartment talking with her and brian. it was a good time. today my brother and i went to great america again. we were there for 8 great hours. it is way too late at night, but i still have to drive to chicago.
"I'm livin' fast and I'm not lookin' back." Harder Days- Death On Wednesday
