2004-08-14 - 12:51 a.m.
mothers and fuckers. what has been happening over the last few weeks have too much in them to totally discuss. it will go down as an uncharacteristic slice of my life. nothing has been like this. i am very bad at making decisions. i find myself living through these types of things, letting the events decide the outcome for themselves. i fear the guilt that sets in with a wrong choice so i let life do what it will so i can try and sidestep some of that guilt. rachel is in india, i hope she stays safe and does what she wants to do over there. her commitment to public service impresses me. she is truly a good person. there is a lot going in facets of my life that i don't usually acknowledge. i had a strange dream last night: i was at my old junior high school and i was outside and saw strange tracer trails in the sky, they made star shapes. i realized that they were a new kind of ICBM (InterContinental Ballistic Missiles). we all ran in fear to the basement of keller junior high school. somehow we weren't vaporized and discussed who would be attacking the US. Someone suggested Saudi Arabia, and of course it wasn't them, their government while it doesn't give the US the respect and deference it should do to the coddling we give them, would not attack us to that degree. someone suggested pakistan, of course not. they truly have been useful to the efforts against terrorists and only have mid range capable missiles. someone said afghanistan, that was just stupid seeing as we are in that country now. the dream ended without us able to figure out who it was. the next dream was even more disturbing. my mom brother and i were in florida at my grandparent's old house in florida that i dream about constantly. my mom and brother got into an argument that got very heated. with some type of shapr object he cut her head off and i put it into a fish tank so the fish could eat the flesh and such. i don't know where that come from. i love my mom and even though we had a very intense discussion last weekend, i love her more than ever. the last dream i had was more benign. i was in boston riding a sailboat. it was fun and the dusk sunlight played off the waves. mike m and i are going to be writing a screen play. its going to be an anti-romantic comedy. i can't shake the last month or so. nothing turned out at all how i expected it to, i didn't know what to expect, but still...
the best thing that might still never happen to me
the Gravetones have been playing a lot this month, there's another show tomorrow night at bar vertigo.
i came into all of that other stuff looking for a girlfriend, i don't know if i can ever be certian what i ended up with. i think its still too early to tell. the deep connection will persist, it has too. its all so strange. i resign the outcome to events and time. much like the conversations lately, i have little ability to articulate any of this; that will have to do. even if it is due to bad timing.
"Somebody put me together." Falling To Pieces- Faith No More
