2004-09-18 - 12:37 a.m.
i just don't know what she's going to do. its either she's going to have a serious relationship with me, or be completely single. i do not know what she will do. i haven't been able to think about much else. well, there is one other really big thing that has been very important lately and i have to give rachel huge thanks on that front. (the brisket was fabulous). as for the lindsay business i don't know why this is a hard decision. her precluding notion of not having anything serious has been made irrelevant by the fact she has intense feelings for me. i am closer to her than anybody, how could she possibly want to push me away? she has not decided yet but i am reasonably sure it will come this weekend. she told me that she always wants to be in my life and me be in hers. it would be really hard to be around her with the kind of feelings i have. it is a very hard situation to be in, i've had to do it. the bottom line is i would like to be in a good and healthy relationship. i'm not saying i want to get married, or even that i have issues with being single (i don't), it just maskes life a little better. life is hard, and things that make it better are rare. a lot worse people than i have significant others in there lives, what seems to be going wrong here? i do not believe in patterns anymore, in which case i am sick of the coincidences. i would be very good for her and she knows it. that would be enough for me. it is strange how often in my relationships with women they have known how good i am and it just doesn't seem to matter. by extension i don't matter. we'll see what she comes up with. as it stands i am preparing for the worst in an attempt to end the mourning period as quickly as possible. i've seen how much she cares about me, and it is still very hard to conceive why she might throw it to the side. she also said that if she does decided to be single it probably wouldn't be for very long. would i wait? its hard to say. in theory no, in practice i could see it happening. but she hasn't decided yet, its possible i could have an actual girlfriend soon. (for the first time in three and a half years). we shall see...
"And everything has come to this..." ?- Bad Religion
