2004-10-10 - 3:44 p.m.
after the gravetones show on friday night i called Lindsay. we proceeded to spend over three hours in my car in front of her building. i don't remember the specifics well enough. when i get really emotional i tend to forget specifics, i hate that. she has seen me cry a lot. much more than anyone in recent memory. i don't feel fucked up about it, in fact i feel fine if just a bit tired. i really don't know what is going to happen about anything in the long run. how the hell can i know? when i was at rachel's parent's house for Rosh Hashannah she asked me if she had told me a year ago i would be sitting where i was could i have imagined it? the only answer was no. that question applies to everything. i have a decent sense of intuition, but a hard time trusting it. last night i went to rocky finally in a theater our cast can call its own again. my enthusiasm opun arriving was quickly stifled. i felt useless and unwanted. a few of my attempts to be more useful were chastised. i was on the razor's edge of walking out. the high points of that portion in time were danielle and jason. i finally got into the theater when the movie was on and i started to enjoy myself. i was back to doing what i liked; traipsing about the aisles shouting obscene callbacks. it was a good time until clean-up which took forever. despite all that i am still contemplating becoming an audience member. i do not need the added time constraints of having to be at rocky every single saturday night. however, i like it, and there are people i love there. so i;'m still thinking about it. i'll be in a preshow next week, Naked Boys Singing. i still have it memorized from when i did it about three and a half years ago. i will also be on stage pretending to be naked and cupping my genitalia, i believe i need to purchase a thong. i drove home, woke up way too late today and had an omellette with six eggs in it.
