2004-10-14 - 10:25 p.m.
the only way i can start this off is with the following: idon'tgetitidon'tgetitidon'tgetitidon'tgetitidon'tgetitidon'tgetit, i do not understand. i understand a little bit, she doesn't want a relationship with me. she said there are differences in our personalities that she does not see lasting for a long term thing. she said it was intuitive, and an abstract, she can't explain it all. there is an undeniable strong, deep and intense emotional connection between Lindsay and it. she does not dispute that. the interesting (and heartbreaking) difference is this: that connection, that feeling is all i need. that is all i need to know that she is someone i would like to be with. and by that i do not mean i want marry her or anything like that. all i want is a nice girl who is nice to me and matters to me, and i to her. i have that in her, however she does not want it to continue in the capacity that i do. i do not understand why, maybe that is the most important difference that there is between us. she is a self-proclaimed nurturer, and i am an excellent foil to someone like that. not that i need it, but damn i trust her when she tells me anything. when she tells me that everything is allright, i believe her because its her. she says we have a symbiotic relationship, and we do. that is the healthiest kind in that we both flourish. she told me that i am her best friend in the world, i know it's true. coming back to this(as i will often) why doesn't she want to be with this best friend? to me that sounds ideal. i am not a player of any sort. i do horribly with women, i cannot talk to them, and often don't even feel like it. what i prefer is someone i can trust, who is consistently there for me, and that's about it. someone i can count on. she is all of those things, and is not going to change them. and yet the parameters of our relationship are going to change. or, more accurately, already have. i have to point out that i am not dependent on what she brings to my life, but my life has been better(irrefutably) with it. and she's not gone, she's still here. anyone who keeps their phone on at night so i can call, or come over is certianly there for me. that is not in question at all. what is in question is that i do not understand why she does not want a relationship with me. she knows my positive qualities(i swear there are a few), and she has seen me at perhaps what is my worst. nothing i have told her about my life has scared her, nothing that i thought would horrify and alienate her has pushed her away. but something has. to me the level of comfort and intimacy i share with her is the pinnacle of a relationship. that's the big part one does not come across everyday, so it is hard for me to understand why what i consider the secondary stuff is so hard. i told her that there are three domains that i judge a relationship with: 1) physical, and my god she is beautiful, and we have a lot of "chemistry" 2)intellectual, not that i am any sort of genius, but she is easily as smart as i am, if not smarter. she easily operates on the same intellectual level that i do. 3) emotional, well that is a given. we have what we have emotionally and that is huge. by my standards we have the making of a good and healthy relationship. to what end? i don't know, that would have been something to deal with when it came up. maybe that's right now. she says she can't imagine not having me in her life, and that means a lot. i don't know what will happen. she believes in fate, a version of the "if something is meant to work out, than it will" sort of mindset. i do not believe that. when i find something that i have determined(with much and careful consideration as i have given this) is worth the effort, i will make every effort. and i have. this is not something i am fighting her about. i know that if her heart is not into it, there is nothing i can say or do that will make it so. i'm afraid that all that would do is hurt her, and i do not want to do that. i am not in opposition with this woman, just extreme and severe incomprehension. i am not only ineffectual. it is hard to believe, but i do matter. but something is not enough. i do not know what it is, and fuck is it hard. something is not right for her, that should be the end of it for me. i don't want to believe her. i want this to be a challenge or something that there is some type of end to and there she'd be, "just kidding! sorry about that, but i had to know how you'd react." she once told me(the most romantic thing i've ever been told in my life) that when i kiss her, her "whole world stops". i don't want to believe her because i want to keep doing that. i want to be that thing that offers any type of relief from this painful and often unsatisfying life. god knows she does it for me. i'm sitting at this computer merely contemplating my lot as i see it. i once told her that if she would let me, i would fight hard for this. and again i see the problem that she doesn't want me to. in my higher thought functions i can chalk this up to one of those very and achingly sad things that just happen in life, and it is that. i don't think i can leave it at that though. or maybe that is all there is. a goddam sad thing that i will just have to live with. as i've said, she's not gone. as i've learned in the past, omitting her would do no good and hurt more. she wants me to make something positive out of this. over time i think i can learn how to do that. there is that selfish side of me though that says, "here you are, not getting what you want(need?) again. and you're going to let her do whatever just so you can still feel that connection." crisis(which as we all know comes from the same root as the word choice) makes the man(person, i'm egalitarian). i don't know if it will ever work out again. she told me not to wait, i'm trying not to analyze the motivation behind that, even though it is probably just her looking out for my well-being. saw her at the gym today,we were both tired. i handled myself well and really did feel all right. "And the miles of time go down, one day at time." -Miles, Me. is it pretentious to quote yourself?
i told her i felt rejected and i do, but only partially rejected, and that is still bad. the only thing i ever saw that would be different if she was ever actually my girlfriend is that i would expect her not to makeout with other dudes. that's that only difference in my eyes, but once again i do not understand all of this. so brad, where are you going to end all of this rambling? i don't know. i am intensely emotional and the way she is able to handle it is rare and special. man i'm getting very personal in this thing tonight. so i will move forward because that is, in reality, the only direction anyone can ever go.
"If there's a purpose, or a goal..." I Don't Know What It Is- Bad Religion
"I've been down this lonely road before...that summer photo leaves me hurting more, and my opinion doesn't matter." Summer Photo- 88 Fingers Louie
"She spent one summer waking up between his arms." She Took Him To The Lake- Alkaline Trio
