2004-10-28 - 11:35 p.m.
no word from tara, calling her has become a game, something to waste about 10 seconds a day on. i am worried about her again, but have no idea what to do. as for myself the last two weeks have passed by very quickly and i have no idea why. i certainly am not having so much fun that the time keeps whizzing by. i got a haircut last sunday, my hair is shorter than it has been in about four years. i went to the barber and just said fuck it, go very short. i haven't been sleeping well, i wake up at least once a night, usually at about 6:30am. i have ear plugs now that i jam into my ears in an attempt to blot out the noise of the giant dog that howls every morning. they work pretty well. i haven't had enough time for work lately, i'm making next to zero money. when i wake up i just feel like going back to sleep, even if i've been asleep for ten hours. the intro to Judaism class is going well. in fact that facet of my life is probably the most positive one i have right now. it never stops being interesting. on the plus side tomorrow i'm going to get sushi with some guys from the hillel center, and the gravetones have show.
emotion roll call: i still feel lonely a lot of the time, i'm trying to get used to it again. she tells me i'm never alone, but it's not the same. my brain feels shot right now, i feel weak. i feel fat.
i've had an issue lately of sexual frustration. it's getting to me, i'm trying to ignore it. i made some joke about a prostitute as a solution to the problem and it upset rachel, i felt bad about that. don't get me wrong,it was more than six months from the first time to the second time, but after the regular basis thing, it's different. this sex stuff is all new to me. most of you learned what this was like in high school, i'm catching up. i don't mean to come off as a nympho or anything, that's hardly accurate. sex is not even at the top of the list of things i miss. i don't want to write out that list either, it would probably depress me.
i think about normal people with lives that they actually live. think about tonight. the thursday night before halloween weekend, i can't lose the idea that if i was a normal person i would be out having a "good time" tonight. it's halloween weekend and i have no plans. tomorrow i'm supposed to see the grudge with lindsay. i've had legions of people scoff at that. after that i have show, and i hope to go to services in the morning but i doubt i'll feel like it. saturday i have no idea what the hell i'll be doing with myself i probably made some type of plans but cannot remember them, it is equally likely that i made no plans at all. sunday night i have tentive plans with lindsay, but nothing at all for certain. halloween, i have nothing to do. my traditional favorite holiday of the year and i have nothing. one thing that i don't know if i will ever prove myself wrong on: i do not have fun the way most people do. the lives of most people strike me as very alien. i often wish that i could just lift weights and play shows every day. those things make sense to me. melodrama warning: it is strange to think that i couldn't even give my heart away because she wouldn't take it. i talk like that sometimes, in real life. i don't mean to, it just comes out. i tried to logically think about the notion of taking and carrying as it relates to my melodramatic statement. here is what i came up with(please pardon the terms): to give one's heart away it inherently includes the idea that the heart is something that can be removed and can be carried. she would not take it so that implies that the heart is left in some other area, as it had been removed. that is where logic and reason fail to encompass emotion. as it happens, what i refer to as "heart" still exists inside of me, though whatever abstract notion that is, has changed. one could also say it is with her whether she carries it or not. but that is an extended notion of with that is determined only by the owner(me). the higher functions of mind fail to realize the patterns of all emotion, i think it is better that way. albeit more dangerous.
"Still alive." Blood Of Heroes- Megadeth
