2004-10-31 - 2:46 p.m.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!
so i did finally get a hold of tara, turns out she was having phone service difficulties, and i believe her.
the show on friday was an immense success. we fucking killed, we were so on it was amazing. i had low expectations after no one was around to watchthe first band but then a bunch of people showed up and gave us a great response. included in that group of people that showed up was none other than who i refer to sometimes as "THE exgirlfriend". yeah, kristen was there. it was not weird in the least and i was glad to see her, i was wondering since i joined the band if she would ever come to a Gravetones show. she is doing very well for herself, she seems to have gotten her life very much on track and i couldn't be any happier for her. we talked a little bit at the bar. turns out she realized somehow that a year and a half ago when we were supposed to hang out and talk and shit that it would have done more harm than good. she was probably right. i was in a bad place then, and dear reader you can go look it up too if you'd like because a lot of it is in this diary. i was out of my minmd as i usually am after a show so i didn't speak as well as i would have liked to, but i don't think it mattered. she told me something to the effect that the reason she left all those years ago was that she was hitting rock bottom (and she really was, she was homeless, barely had a job not to mention a number of family and friends problems that i don't quite remember the specifics of) and with everything in her life going wrong, she had a great relationship with me. the good relationship did not plug into the shit that was the rest of her life, so she kicked me out of it. perhaps as a way to start over. we didn't get too deeply into anything though. she said something that struck me just because i seem to hear it a lot. she basically said she thinks about me, and she knows what kind of a person i am, and she wants to have a person like me in her life. it's the two last clauses that are so familiar. now yes the circumstances from her are very different from anyone else, and i really would like to become friends with her too. i told her about how i gave up on virginity. i told her that given what i know now, it probably should have been her. that is an unnecessary thing to say though because at the time it couldn't have been. my only rationale is that yes i was in love with her, and i still have it in my head that sex (while it does not always include love) has something to do with intense emotional feelings. or at least it is better when it does. all in all it was very pleasant speaking with her. we exchanged numbers and i anticipate we will meet up sometime soon.
the parrallels between the kristen and lindsay situations have been in my mind for awhile. in fact once while i was talking about kristen to lindsay i referred to the kristen debacle as the lindsay debacle. i was embarrased. i somewhat understand where kristen was coming from, now three years later. it still doesn't make it any more fair, and still doesn't strike me as logical. maybe it will take me about that long (if ever) to understand what lindsay is doing.
"Candy apples and razor blades, little dead are soon in graves." Halloween- The Misfits
