2004-11-10 - 12:19 p.m.
i am now 23. i'm not too happy about it. my birthday was nov. 8. lindsay had bought me a ticket to see the fake misfits and i went to the show. i had been in a terrible mood all day, but something so weird and ridiculous happened at the show that i started feeling better. i was just standing there minding my own business when these tow people start talking to me. it was a man and a woman in their mid-thirties. we were talking about bands and i gave them my number. he goes and gets them both a drink, while he's gone she decides to tell me that they are just friends and he only drove her there, that there is nothing going on between them. a vague realization begins to take shape in my mind. so he comes back and then the misfits start playing. all songs way too fast, and jerry only is not the vocalist that graves was. and Danzig is of course on his own level. the dude disappears in the mosh pit and soon after i felt a hand on my ass. well, it wasn't just on my ass, i was being fondled. i didn't know how to respond, that sort of thing has never happened before. i realized it was the woman i had been talking to. before i could really object the dude somehow notices what was happening and freaks out, pulling her off the floor and i believe calling her a "whore". i watch the rest of the show and leave. on the way out the dude was waiting for me. it seems he was so distraught that he stayed outside for the whole show commiserating with bums. he comes up to me and wants my side of the story. it seems sh elied to him and told him i made some type of move on her first. she also lied to me because apparently he has taken her out four times before. i set him straight, and walked to the train station. about an hour later the woman calls my cell phone, i was on my way out the door and hung up quickly. hopefully i won't hear from any of them again. like i said i was on my way out the door. lindsay had called when she got out of work, like she said she would. she came by to pick me up. we end up parking somewhere on taylor street and get to talking. turns out a large part of her not seeing a relationship with me work is because she feels that when i get really depressed it would be too much of a strain on her. andi told me that too. i told her that right now the biggest reason i feel lonely and get depressed is because she left. she's the only one i can talk to about our situation. then the conversation shifted somehow from us to me. she was more emotional than i had ever seen her. she is very worried about me. she hates the fact that i live most of my life very depressed. she thinks i'm clinically depressed. the thing that struck me was that usually hearing that kind of thing would make me mad. not this time; i'm taking her words with careful consideration. i think i might do something about it this time. another thing i was thinking is that she claims me being really depressed would be a strain on her. what i noticed is that even though we're not "together" she is still dealing with it, and she is still massively affected by it. so i don't see how being in a relationship with me would be all that different. and i said something to the effect of, the only thing that feels different is that we don;t make out or have sex anymore. the feelings are pretty much the same. at about 2:15am she took me home. and yes, i cried on my birfday. and no birfday action whatsoever. last night i went to see Marylin Manson. it cost 50 dollars. i loved it, but he should have played longer. songs i would have loved to hear but didn't: cake and sodomy, angel with the scabbed wings, dopehat, organ grinder. turns out mandi was going to the show as well, and i went with her and some friend of her's. i had an awesome time. tonight i am going to elvis night at its new location.
"I am the god of fuck." Cake and Sodomy- Marylin Manson
