2004-11-19 - 12:59 a.m.
i have to wake up much to early to work on a project i do not even care about tomorrow. this weekend i have to stay in the suburbs dogsitting for my parents while they are at my brother's play-off football game in michigan. i hadn't talked to lindsay in almost a week until i saw her tonight. i was in a bad mood, actually for the first time in about a week, and she could tell. i guess i'm going to be talking to her tomorrow. last saturday i went to temple with a girl from one of my classes. we had gotten into a huge discussion on all things Jewish and she mentioned she wanted to go so i told her how much i love my temple and she asked to go with me sometime, so we went. so we go and it was quite average. she is pleasant company. this week she shows up to class with what she had referred to in an email as a "starter kit" complete with a menorah, mezuzah, IDF dog tags, and an American and Israeli flag pin. i was of course very pleased at her generosity, i'm wearing the dogtags now, and will probably always have them on. i thanked her profusely. i began to wonder if she might be interested in me. i make no presumptions, but most people seem to think she is. i for certain, am not. i just feel pretty disinterested, not to mention i don't think we have anything in common. i put myself out there pretty hard this summer and i got shellacked. honestly i think i'm pretty vulnerable. she's very nice though. i always feel vey weird whenever anyone does anything or buys anything for me. it feels akward and embarrassing. i have lost my motivation to do any work this semester for school. i just don't want to do anything. i had a great work out today. i still don't make enough money. i was supposed to go out this weekend with one of my coworkers to a swanky dance club to "pick up chicks" but i have to be at my parent's house. who am i kidding, that would be a failed misadventure. the woman that works downstairs offered to go on a date with me so she could find out what it is that i am doing wrong. what can i be doing wrong? according to lindsay me getting depressed is wrong, to review she said it would put too much of a strain on her. maybe lindsay wasn't supposed to work, but if not why are there such strong emotions involved?
on an unrelated note sexual frustration is tearing me apart. for some reason it is worse than it has ever been. i feel like a perverted animal when i look at women now. i hate feeling like that.
i found some very old journal stuff from when i was dating danielle a few days ago, from january of 2002. the thing that struck me is that apparently she used to call me before she went to bed to say goodnight. i don't recall specific occurances of that, but they must have happened. ok, the interesting part of that little action is i haven't seen anything like that since. i know it is a a little thing, but i haven't. and it is strange that it came from danielle because she was as wrapped up in telling me how not serious it was going to be just as much as lindsay was. it comes back to my theme of women with hold intimacy from me, and i cannot figure out why. come to think of it i never understand when the girl bails. kristen, maybe i get it a little bit now, danielle well that is an epic unto itself but as i recall we both left it with an understanding that it won't work, but no clue as to why(and if you did by chance figure it out let me know, if not, don't worry there's no need to know), andi i guess went crazy, and i don't feel like making any longer of a list, but there are more. i'm not complaining, just observing(in an intensely personal and longwinded fashion) one more facet of the world that i am not smart enough to understand.
"Weep no more, we will prevail." Killswitch Engage
