2004-12-19 - 12:55 p.m.
ya know, this is how shit happens. you'll be buzzing along feeling fine, feeling better than you have in a while and bam!, there it is. it'll all come down on you like it never left. it didn't take too much for it to happen to me this time. friday night at about 12:30am i'm sitting by myself watching matrix revolutions (it was on tv and that fight scene at the end is awesome) i get a call on my cell phone and i figured it was the people i was supposed to be meeting up with that night, no it was lindsay. three words out of her mouth i knew something was wrong. i go over to her place driving like a fucking madman. i was doing over 60mph down jefferson. she comes down and gets into my car. i guessed(erroneously) that she had started dating some dude and it had all gone very sour. turns out that she was mostly upset because people at her work that she had done huge favors for are not reciprocating, for reasons i am still not clear on there were three passed out puking drunk dudes in her apartment, and some dude her nursing school friends trried to set her up with that night turned out to be a total jerk. she said at least twice, "i hate being single". dear reader you can probably infer as to where i thought this was going. she proceeds to cry on my shoulder for at least 20 minutes. i held her and revelled in it (not her sadness mind you, but being there). she apologized for ever hurting me, she said she never realized how unhappy she would be. she was so angry when she left her apartment she didn't have shoes on and forgot her keys. i take her back to my apartment and so she can start calling people and find a way back into her place. no one is picking up their phones. i go get a drink of water in the kitchen and she comes back to the kitchen too. we start holding eachother again and i sigh and she says, "so this feels good for you too." of course it did. we go into my room and continue that and i wanted to kiss her and i was pretty sure she wanted me too. i usually have a rule that i will not initiate a kiss in that situation and i told her that. she said why not. i said because i do not want it to seem at all like i am pressuring you into anything. a kiss should never be done under coerscion. i also asked her several times if she was sure she wasn't just kissing me because she was vulnerable, she said no. i forget exactly how but i broke my rule and we started kissing a lot. it felt like it used to...perfect. that continued for awhile and then we decide we should try to get her back into her apartment. i offered to let her stay at my place and sort it out in the morning, and she said she wanted to, but she didn't trust the passed out individuals. so we go back to her apartment still sans her keys. after an amusing few minutes with her trying to slip the lock on the front door with a my blockbuster movie rental card, we go 80's teen movie style and throw pebbles at the sliding glass window of some people on the first floor. it worked, they let us in. we go up to her front door which turned out to be unlocked. we stand in front of the door for a good 10 more minutes making out. she said she'd call me after she got off work the next night. i went down her elevator screaming, "what the fuck was that?! what the fuck was all that?!" i go home and attempted to sleep. it didn't work out too well. the next day(yesterday) i went to the gym with mike m and drove out to schaumburg for the show with my dad's band. as we get to the venue and start unloading our equipment i get a call on my cell phone. its lindsay and she says she was expecting to get my voicemail. she thanked me again for being there for her but also said the "stuff" (and it didn't go anywhere past kissing) probably wasn't such a good idea and we can't do that. i felt like i got shot in the stomach with a howitzer. i told her to call me later when she got off work and we could talk then, she said ok. for the record she still hasn't called. i played the show and we kicked major ass. all the cool people who were there were impressed. after the show, as usual, my mood took a dive, but it was worse than usual. i spent most of the rest of the night looking at my watch, keeping track of how much time had gone by without her calling. my dad's band was quite good as always. i left the bar for chicago at about 2:00am. i called lindsay once i was on the road and got her voicemail. i left her a voicemail saying she can call me back anytime and that i want to see her today just to talk. like i said, she still hasn't called. i'm currently giving her the benefit of the doubt and thinking she's busy doing something, but i can't shake the fact that maybe she doesn't want to talk to me. the saddest part is that i thought she was going to come back. i fought thinking that, but once that kiss happened, and i felt her hand on my arm and on the back of my neck like i used to, how could i think anything else? i don't know what the hell she is doing, but it is fucking me right up. i couldn't sleep last night and didn't want to get out of bed today. if she was just using me to make herself feel better...well, i'm worth worlds more than that. MI(rs) T-8
"And everything is dearly missed." All There Is- Bad Religion
