2005-02-27 - 11:42 p.m.
i can feel it. i can feel that shit settling in. any time i leave my mind to wander even if just for a little while, i see where it goes. it goes down. driving to my apartment tonight i felt like the weight in my head was pulling out my eyes. and the worst part is that it has all been so much worse. i know it though. i understand it; i know how it goes. i've been here before. i've been farther than this before. i don't know what to do. school is fucking sucking, i've got a project that is going to bomb itself, perhaps even bomb itself on television. fuck. i have no motivation to do anything. that's what happens, i shut down. and down i go. i can gray haze auto-pilot my way through a lot. it was raining when i drove home, it was picturesque. i lacked the models in my formative years to understand how to live life correctly. i was also tormented mercilessly by everyone around me. i didn't deal with it well. i still don't. i don't know how to deal with people aroud me because i never learned. i never know what to do because i never learned. things happen to me and i never know how to react. some people find that frustrating about me. it frustrates me more. i think i think i think about it all. it all goes on and down. on and down. i feel lucid, can one identify their own lucidity? i supress the urge to write my own personal historic non-sense. dear reader, don't i do that enough? i feel like i talk about myself too much. how does one balance their needs with the threat of all-consuming selfishness? how is that line drawn? it is in my nature to presume that a clear line can be drawn on such a subjective issue. i have trouble differentiating gray areas in interpersonal relationships. it is all friend or foe, demon or angel. one or the other. black or white. not ever the "and" conjuction, always or. the "and" would imply that there could elements of one still present in the other, i cannot not equate that. the fissure separating the two sides of my brain must be damaged. my cerebral cortex imperfect. i can conceptualize abstraction, but it is a very different thing to exercise or practice conceptions. for me anyway. there are those who exist without these hindrances. i know how i sound right now, and i don't like it. i am very far from normal. or am i? it has been suggested that i complicate things. what things i seem to complicate have run the gamut from the intense to the mundane. but those who do not sound like this, whose minds function differently are a mystery to me and always have been. i am captivated by anyone who operates "normally". look at me form another distinction, myself or the other. the other. what an interesting concept. but i'm trying. i really am. i feel like i have more control over this than ever before. i'm writing it, but i have almost a "meta" realization of what is happening. i almost don't like knowing, but i do. i know this is now, and that does not mean it will be anything like any other instance. what am i saying anymore? i had any extreme urge to write tonight. i felt it, and this is what you got, dear reader. i feel the train wreck of thoughts getting back in order(isn't that an interesting metaphor, think about what it means that the train wreck getting back in order ends the tumult. piaget would call that disequilibrium, and i would call it a well-placed poetic device). so i've been doing better, but i still never know what to do. not quite a paradox, but certainly makes me enigmatic. i was called that once too. i think it was a compliment. but those things that define me also make me dangerous. so it was, so it has been, but not necessarily shall it be. i am also long-winded. i don't know if you know this or not dear reader, but sometimes i actually talk like this in real life. really i do. not often, but it happens. onward and upward.
"I did it all just for her." Poison Girl- HIM
