2005-04-08 - 12:13 a.m.
somehow it happened. everyone has become an idiot. well, not jimmy. well not even everyone. but everyone except for maybe 5 people. it is amazing to watch it happen. i do it too. i blame others for their self-absorbedness and here i am typing this garbage. i hold too high of an opinion of myself to think i fall victim to it though. absolutely nothing has been happening. i've been feeling lonely and at times depressed, but not too bad. monday was the worst day this week. i listened to AFI while working out and being miserable while lifting weights felt familiar. i'm doing fine now though. my new gym is not giving me the kind of business they promised. i am pursuing other options. but i also realized that i will only be working for about eight more months before i start student teaching. i'm not too worried about the job thing. i like the new gym as a place though. it is huge. it is filled with gorgeous women. i leer at them like a sick animal. i can handle sexual impulses when i'm with someone, but with no outlet i feel like a goddam monster, and it sickens me. classes are pretty much what they always are. i've actually been doing a bit of work for them, and that is rare. i have a show tomorrow. my hair looks stupid, i haven't shaved in almost three weeks. living in my apartment sucks. i have got to get out of here. i hate being in my house, that's not right. i wish i had diatribes and deep introspective rants about depression, but i don't. i haven't been able to sleep lately. i wake up at least four times a night. i've been having weird dreams. one was about a possessed housewife trying to kill me. i killed her by shoving pairs of scissors into her ears. my mind races now before i go to sleep. i start thinking about all types of things i shouldn't. actions i could take, actions i might take, actions i probably want to take but won't. i think about a lot. and i can't sleep because of it.
"Just a corpse on stage I'm so alone." I Just Can't Get It Right- Midnight Creeps
