2005-04-21 - 4:20 p.m.
ok loneliness, let's talk about it. there is a huge difference between being lonely, and being lonely and feeling like you are "without". to be lonely and without is to be by yourself and dealing with a feeling of loss. being just lonely isn't as bad. i'm not sure if this makes any sense or not. i have been tired for the past few weeks, i have been getting enough sleep according to the clock, but i wake up a lot and it doesn't seem to be enough. this weekend is going to be my first pesach. my friend bekah invited me to both seders at her family's house. i am very appreciative. turns out my conversion ceremonies might happen as soon as next wednesday. i am very excited. i've worked hard at this and i'm ready and i know it is the right thing.
but back to the notion of loneliness. often in relationships i put all the power into the hands of the other. i feel powerless, like i don't matter. most of the women i've been involved with have been eager to take actions that would reinforce that idea. i tend to stay close with ex's, even ones who have hurt me terribly. i hold on to a belief that those women cared about me, they have proven it, and that belief is very important. i don't know what i'm trying to say. i feel pretty closed off right now. sort of in that vein where i don't think i want anyone to come along. i was in this position last year when lindsay came along. i don't expect it to happen again. i feel rather comfortable like this. i've had a bunch of problems with the bureuacracies(i forgot how to spell that)at my school but it is all pretty much taken care of. it looks like i will still be graduating on time.
still sexually frustrated like a mother fucker, but i feel a little less like a sick animal. i've been too tired for it to bother me much.
"Shed the weight of this world" Breathe Life- Killswitch Engage
