2005-07-10 - 3:56 p.m.
so last thursday i get a call at 5:00am from lindsay telling me to meet her at the heartland cafe at 11:30am. i agree and cannot get back to sleep. i show up a little early and she was already there. we bullshit for awhile and eat and then the real talking begins. here's the breakdown again: i told her about my feelings for her, that i want be with her etc. she reiterated that she will not be doing that. she again said that she wants me in her life, that i am a "confidant". i told her what i had wanted to tell her since the last time she cried in my car for two hours in the middle of the night: i felt like she had used me. she makes no effort to include me in her life at all exept when she needs something (that perhaps only i can give her, but i doubt that special priviledge will last). i told her she can't do that anymore. it hurts too much to be around her and look at her knowing the kind of relationship i want but cannot have. since that is the case she cannot have whatever it is that i bring to her. she tried to explain why a relationship with me won't work but i didn't understand a word of it. surprisingly the word "intuition" did not come up. i did not ask if she is dating some one else, i am pretty sure she is and the subject didn't come up. she ending up almost pleading with me to show signs of anger. i reminded her that that isn't how i work; i don't yell and scream. i didn't even cry this time. i told her not to call me unless she needed me, not just anyone. which i later realized was a "Say Anything" reference, but i didn't say it to be cliche. and even if she does call i'm not sure i'll pick up. that talk was a long time coming. i find myself very disappointed in her. and it confirms my belief that almost every woman in her early twenties has her head in her ass and doesn't know a fucking thing. whoever said that women are more mature than men is incorrect. i have met precious few women(or men for that matter but i don't want to date men) that are as mature as i am. it comes down to importance. i wasn't important enough. also i realized one last kristen parrallel. lindsay left me in order to start another section of her life with a "clean slate". that is exactly what kristen told me. why is it that women feel they have to leave me in order to start something better for themselves? am i like some sort of a relationship training wheel? lindsay tried baiting me into a kind of verbal fight(including the asking me to be mad) i enjoyed the fact that it didn't work. i reasoned it like this: what good would it have done? i'm not going to change her mind, why should i change her mind? she said at one point "you can't be happy in a relationship until you are happy with yourself". she admitted it was cliche and it is. it is also ridiculous. i don't understand that. i am not perfect, i understand that all too well, but i am pretty damn good. i'm smart, talented in my interests, ambitious and moral. perhaps i was always wrong to ever think that some one like her could ever understand me. she does not have the depth.
connections, feelings, history, time and intimacy are all destroyed with her decision. she might not understand that even though i tried to explain it.
so.
i have an urge to lay low for awhile. take it easy. try not to care about relationships. renew myself. all that crap. and to lift really really heavy weights.
"Cuz you're not ready baby." You've Got Nothing On Me- The Donnas
