2005-08-03 - 11:19 p.m.
not much of anything has been happening. rachel from michigan is in town doing some dance thing and i'm not sure if i'll get to see her or not. i took a girl out on a date last week and although she was very nice and quite cute i have absolutely no inclination to call her again. i have this urge not to call most people really. i've been making money at my job for the first time since i started training people. i'm going to buy a huge bad-ass bass amp. i have a show tomorrow night, it should be fun. lots of time spent at work feeling hungry. my strength has been improving. my bench work-out is as follows: 315 4 sets of 5 barbell incline bench 235 4 sets of 8. decline with barbell 4 sets of 12-8 at 225-265. machine flyes 4 sets of 10 at 270. then abs and cardio. that was monday's workout. i'm stronger than i've ever been in my life. i can leg press more than half a ton.
i'm trying to get away from all this social interaction on the internet. i have too many profiles on too many stupid websites. i shouldn't be trying to meet people online. but then again if i could meet people(or even felt like meeting anyone) in real life i wouldn't be on the computer so damn much. i have deleted profiles on some sites, but some are still up.
i am a victim of repression. all the bad, evil and agry shit i ever feel goes back inside where it stays. i have never snapped. never. i have never lost control of all those evil impulses i can visualize acting on. the idea of letting all that out terrifies me. lifting weights doesn't do it all. it helps, but that's not everything. i don't know what it is going to take. i don't know if i can ever get away from it. i don't know if i even want to. i am sometimes reprimanded for how angry i always am, but they don't understand; i like it. i lose sight of the fact that i shouldn't like it. for some reason it is very hard for me to remember that there are people that care about me and what i do. somehow that is very easy to forget.
the following quote applies to everything in my life. everything.
"I want something more." I Want Something More- Bad Religion
