2005-08-06 - 7:34 pm
i don't want to go anywhere. i don't want to leave work. i don't want to go to the show i'm supposed to go to tonight, i don't want to go to colorado tomorrow afternoon. the only place i want to go is northbrook to go see her for a few hours and perhaps the whole night, but she claims she's not feeling well so she can't. i saw her this afternoon. we had an amazing hour and a half or so of just chilling on a blanket in arrigo park. i texted her back asking her if she wanted me to bring her anything, i haven't heard back yet and i get the feeling that i won't. my head is feeling dead inside. i want to lift weights but don't really have time. i have to pack tonight for the trip and wake up at about 7:00am tomorrow to train a client at 8:00am and then drive out to my parent's house to drive to ohare and get on a fucking plane. i hate planes. i'm hungry but i don't want to eat anything. i can still smell her. isn't that fucking insane? i have only associated a smell with two other women (that being kristen with her brand of cigarettes and lindsay with some lotion she used to always wear) but i can't identify what exactly it is that i smell; it is her. my neck hurts from the show last night. people will always disappoint you. they will never live up to your expectations and even worse they will usually not follow through on their promises. that's why i try very fucking hard to do everything i say i will. but people, fucking people will ruin it every time. i wish i could stop being surprised, disappointment happens so often, but sometimes it still gets to me. i know why i end up on these pursuits; i'm lonely. even when i'm surrounded by people i feel alone. can i get any more cliche? and the worst part is that i know i've said this all before. and i know that i've complained that i've said this all before before. my life is getting old. very few things bring me any happiness, being with her this afternoon did and i wish i didn't expect anything more but i do. maybe it is my fault, maybe i expect too much from the people i consider important. but i feel like i get so little that expecting too much seems impossible. another night where the hours slow down as i anticipate a call from a female. i hate these nights. on and down the hours will go. and i will be there feeling hollow as they fall.
are medications the answer? should i be on zoloft or some such thing? i don't think so, but maybe i have a chemical problem in my brain. i didn't ask for it and i sure as hell don't want it. but then again i don't want to be like everyone else. everyone else who is without depth and complexity(as i conceive that most humans are). i see myself as something other and while i don't always like what i am, i am usually satisfied with not being like them. but really, i'm just a man(barely) who...you know what? i cannot sum this up. sorry.
"I remain in shadows." AFI
