2005-09-09 - 3:33pm
so i guess the third time isn't a charm. we had the talk last night after a week of not mentioning anything. here is the summary: no. she will not be in a relationship with me. the reason why has two facets. 1) her family would not approve of me. 2) she does not love me "in that way". yeah i hate hearing that. i didn't know what to expect when i first told her about all this. i just knew i had to say something. truthfully i am not devastated. in a weird way i wish that i was. i kind of miss being able to plunge into the dark depths of loathing and self hatred, but i'm not there right now. maybe i will be later. but that's not the point. so what happens now? i won't be moving in with her so housing is certainly now compromised. but that doesn't bother me too much. as for her and i there is no option but to continue on in some way. we matter to each other fundamentally. we have to find a balance that makes the fact she isn't interested in me romantically all right. i am reminded a bit of the lindsay situation. here i am with another woman who says it's really nice you have all these feelings for me but no. the difference is that i didn't love lindsay. i was close but no. that and lindsay didn't love me either. this woman does. we will never be gone to eachother but a balance has to be struck. neither of us want any distance but i have to find a way to get over wanting her in a romantic way. she is worth getting over that. she is worth putting myself out there the way i did. i don't regret this at all. i would have liked to see it turn out differently though. i forgot my sandwhich atwork today. i am very very hungry. i hurt my shoulder this week so i haven't lifted except for legs on wednesday. i beat my old personal best and leg pressed 1060 for three reps. i look forward to decimating some weights on monday when my shoulder has been properly rested.
"I can see it in your eyes, I can feel it in your touch." I Love You (Prelude To Tragedy)- HIM
