2005-10-29 - 2:41 p.m.
i have been losing a skill that i used to take a lot of pride in. i have watched it go over the last five years or so. i can't talk about my feelings any more. all i can do is recognize that some exist. i cannot articulate what i'm feeling anymore. i try and all i get is frustrated and give up. the worst is trying to tell someone that i am unhappy with them. i have a very hard time telling someone that i am not happy with them. i prefer to just stop having any contact with them. maybe rachel d was right about me being passive agressive. i have been trying a lot lately to admit that i am feeling things but all i end up doing is shutting them off and ignoring them. and usually they come out later and fuck me up. i have been enjoying teaching a lot. both of the classes i am working with seem to like me and i am doing a pretty good job with them. i feel i am very ready for this profession. i just hope i can get a job. speaking of jobs the one i have right now is kind of fucked up. i have been written up twice this week. i've never been written up before. one of them was for working out too much if you can believe that. i'm trying to deflect the stress i get from working here by telling myself that i don't need this job and i don't; but i like it.
see, when i try to consider my feelings i get sidetracked by anything else to avoid them. i have no idea how to get past that. or even if i should. can i really live as one of those wearing their hearts on their sleeves kind of guys? i feel like if i let it out on a regular basis it will be too much for all those around me (students, clients, friends etc.) and it is better just to kill it away.
i'm supposed to have a date tonight. she's already rescheduled with me once and i am starting to feel like i don't want to go. the last three dates or so(over as many months) that i have had went as follows: we go somewhere, it's ok, the end of the night comes, i don't know how to make a move or if i really even want to so i don't, so nothing happens and then they don't call me and i don't call them, it's not like i'm mad or dislike them or anything but i still just don't call. i anticipate pretty much the same for tonight. i know i shouldn't but i just can't help but think that my time(and money) could be better spent.
when i was making reservations for the date tonight the girl who answered the phone was named lindsay and sounded a lot like the one that i know. yeah, that caused some nervousanxietyridden bile to be injected into my stomach. i've been re-reading journals from last year from about this time that are all about her and i'm still not sure where she went wrong. i remember the quotes, they are immortalized in my notebook, but as usual the words came to mean nothing(or at least not what i thought they meant) and now there is nothing.
but at the same time i start thinking maybe it is good to be alone all the time. how could i possibly bring anyone into all of this? why the fuck should i? it would be hard for me and probably too difficult for them. i feel like i'm getting used to the loneliness again. i'm trying to force it not to matter.
"I need something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live." Go With The Flow- Queens Of The Stone Age
