2006-01-03 - 7:21 p.m.
i have been feeling so lonely lately that it manifests itself as a physical pain. i feel it in my steps and even when i am just looking at something. i have been doing little things that i recognize and hate doing. i look for bits of attention and shouldn't. i'm not even getting any of that attention. i start student teaching soon, and i'm feeling less apprehensive about it. i know the days will be long and the work difficult, but i realize this:i can do it, and i can do it well. it will be interesting to see how it all plays out.
i have been trying to let go of some grudges and bad feelings i carry. most notably jeremy and decnie. i am ready to reconcile with both of them. i really am starting to forget why i was so mad. after awhile i was just mad to be mad. i have even spoken to decnie a few times and it has gone well.
new year's eve was all right. the party i was at(bekah's) was relaxed the way i like it. no making out at midnight though. i felt more comfortable that way. i left the room in fact. the december that just passed was the first december that i have spent completely alone since high school. december was always my month to have something at least; but not this year. it is sort of upsetting. i think back to the times i was able to repress feeling lonely. i thought i was winning, but i was really just doing more damage to myself. bad, evil damage. even though i'm able to admit feelings like loneliness(i still can't admit them all) i have no idea how to live with it. i'm tempted to try and shove it all away again, but i know the consequence of that, and it is not something i want to go back to.
"Loneliness is my game." ?- Wolf Brigade
