2006-02-13 - 9:42 p.m.
here i go into another valentine's day alone. well that's not completely true. my mom got me some of those candy hearts. yeah, that's embarassing.
last year i sent rachel s. flowers and a card and candy. she sent me nothing. i have only received one gift ever on a valentine's day and that was a rose from kristen, five fucking years ago now. i was thinking about her the other day. i don't blame her for turning me into a depressed nightmare, but i think that whole thing was a catalyst into it. me being chronically depressed and freakishly insecure and psychotic was always there however i was able to beat it with her. when she left i lost the security she brought to me. i've looked for a similar feeling in others, and the few i've found it in have all left me. at least they did it sooner. i get mad at myself for ever feeling like i want to be with someone. sometimes i consider that maybe i shouldn't be alone all the time. that thought makes me feel weak. i can do life on my own. no one said i was supposed to enjoy being alive. well not all the time anyway. kristen really was the least selfish woman i ever dated. don't worry, i'm not slipping back into any weird thoughts, but it is just something i realized.
i waste a lot of time on the damn computer.
happy motherfucking valentine's day.
"The love of his life just wonders where on earth he's been." Pent Up- 88 Fingers Louie
